learnings on: ANGER

Two nights ago, my mind wouldn't stop walking through the park of many thoughts. I tossed and turned for about two hours before finally giving up and deciding to blog about the thoughts that were keeping me up. The computer wasn't on so I grabbed my trusty Blackberry and began blogging. Forty minutes later, after I finished up, I clicked "save". Except at 2am "exit" looks a lot like "save" apparently. Needless to say, I lost everything. But I felt it was a good lesson that I'm learning so I want to throw this on here. So here we go.

Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.

I've never really considered myself an angry person. However, there was a time in my life where I harvested feelings of anger more than any other. I reached a place where I finally decided that I didn't want to feel this way, so by God's grace, things slowly started changing. I wasn't producing any more angry thoughts, but I was still doing an excellent job at storing the ones already alive in me. At a worship gathering a few months back I came to a place where I was tired of being angry, tired of carrying these feelings around, and tired of letting all of this dictate my actions. So before God, and everyone in the congregation, I fell to my knees, then to my face in surrender.

Since then I've learned a whole new kind of anger...the kind that comes from hurt. You see, most of my anger never sprouted because I was hurt, but more because of my situations and surroundings. Sure, I've experienced hurt, but normally feelings of depression came from it.

Some big decisions are being made and have been decided upon among some really good friends. They're friends that I care very much for and have shared a lot of good memories and experiences with. And as strong as I try to act, the reality that I've felt hurt in dealing with these decisions have really made things difficult. Not because they have purposefully tried to hurt me, but because there have been inconsistencies in communication So here's what I'm learning now. In Thomas' world, when hurt is felt, anger is produced as a means of dealing with that hurt. Why? Well, that's a good question and unfortunately I do not have the answer at this time.

I believe that a requirement in being authentic is the ability to own up to shortcomings, struggles and to admit when you just don't know. So here we go...

"Hi, my name is Thomas."

'Hi, Thomas!'

"I'm using anger as a way to deal with my hurting"

With love,

---Thomas

to choose....core values

It is now May. Month #5 in this pursuit of an authentic...everything. Month #5 in the pursuit of no pursuing/no dating. It's funny how the more I force myself to not "pursue" whatsoever, the more God pushes me to a place of seeing my own maturity. Well, more of my immaturity. Like I'm on the outside looking in. "Thomas, you're one of the most mature guys I've ever met, but it's like this; you're not mature enough for this relationship." A very close friend spoke these words to me in a very sincere, caring, authentic nature about a year and a half ago, right in the midst of a fairly "long-term" relationship. "Dude...screw you" was my response. Or maybe just my thought. I don't really remember anymore. But about two weeks ago I was sitting in a quiet place, studying some scripture, allowing God to sing through me and just being still for a few moments when I started thinking about me and dating. For the first time in my life, the thought of those two things, together, scared the living bageebus out of me. "Goodness, Will (the friend who said those things to me) was completely right." Being able to see myself from the outside in right now, has opened my eyes to a lot of things. And I know that if I don't see myself as mature enough now, there's absolutely no way that I was a year and a couple months ago.

The other big revelation, if it can be called that, that God has opened my eyes and soul to is the idea of choosing core values. I've grown up in the church, I accepted Christ at a very young age, was baptized early into high school, and have learned all the lessons about "talking the talk and walking the walk." I've heard the bible school teachers ramble on about doing this, not doing this, believing this, disowning that. But I realized that there was a lot of things I believe to be true and base a lot of myself off of those things, however Thomas Carrier never adopted any hardcore, no doubt, core values.

It was a youtube video of a lecture that Kim Walker-Smith gave to students at Bethel Church that got me thinking. One thing she talked about was honor. This idea of choosing honor first in everything I do, everything I say, and everything that I am. The idea that by choosing to honor the people or situations around me, and by being faithful with the favor that I have been given, God will pour out his grace and begin to expand those lines of favor. Luke 16:10 - "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."

And the second core value; transparency. To be transparent in everything that is Thomas. This came from a teaching I sat under at the Aletheia Church this past week. So often I see those mysterious kind of folks and I think to myself, "boy, they are so cool! If only I could be that mysterious, maybe I would seem that cool." But my heart and goal for this time is not to be "cool". It's to be authentic. And being authentic does not include closing myself off, only revealing certain things about me because that would be fake in a very pure form. I need to be, I desire to be transparent. I desire to allow God to move right through me. I desire for people to see right through me. Transparent.

So my two new core values moving forward...
#1...to choose honor
#2...to be transparent

With love,
---Thomas