burden of (non)beauty

I'm sitting in a both at the local McAlister's. I seem to find myself here when I either a) have nothing else to do or b) need to be around people, without being around people. If that even makes sense. Either way, my head and heart have been heavy with feelings that I just don't want to feel anymore, with thoughts that I don't want to replay anymore. I finished my usual sandwich of choice [the great smoky pepper jack turkey panini] and decided to scan the RELEVANT website. This is the article that caught my eye.

The Heavy Yoke of Beauty

Before any assumptions are formed; no, I do not have an eating disorder, regardless of my popcicle stick figure. So don't worry. But lately I have been flooded with thoughts, feelings, doubts, fears, etc. surrounding the physical appearance of...me.

Where I am right now in life, in my faith learning, in my current maturity status, in the relational status...it's not all sunshine, plaid, and TOMS. It's hard! Every day I struggle with this thought, "why would I be attractive?" I have a Savior, I have the Spirit within me, I know. But does that account for anything in our culture? I see other people...tall...perfect smile...pieces of paper showing how accomplished they are. And I see me. No height. No perfect smile. No paper. And that daily thought begins to turn into, "why would she be attracted to me?" Being a pursuer of 23 years, it's hard not to think this way.

And I know there are those of you who will jump to encourage me, and I love you for that. But unfortunately the power of one negative comment outweighs the strength of ten positive ones. Folks who consistently point out the less than perfect traits I have. Negative. Reminding me of my relational status. I'm really not that slow. I'm pretty sure I know I don't have a significant other. Negative.

But back to this article. In some odd way, reading this public confession and knowing that thousands of eyes could and would see it, I felt a strange sense of strength in my struggles. And then 1 Peter 3:3-4 was laid out in front of me.

³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

So this is going to take some work. In keeping with this search for authenticity, I needed to confess that I'm struggling. I know that my physical appearance holds no value in the Kingdom of Heaven. But in the here and now, the outward beauty bank seems to be in whatever the opposite of a recession is.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for your unspoken encouragement.

With inward love,

---thomas

Draw Near

"Biblically speaking, no worship leader, pastor, band, or song will ever bring us close to God. We can't shout, dance, or prophesy our way into God's presence. Worship itself cannot lead us into God's presence. Only Jesus himself can bring us into God's presence, and he has done it through a single sacrifice that will never be repeated - only joyfully recounted and trusted in.

We need to remember that our access to God is not based on last week's performance, today's practices, or tomorrow's potential. Rather, we're accepted 'in the Beloved' (Ephesians 1:6) and need have no fear of rejection as we come before God's throne."

-Bob Kauflin, "Worship Matters"

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