burden of (non)beauty

I'm sitting in a both at the local McAlister's. I seem to find myself here when I either a) have nothing else to do or b) need to be around people, without being around people. If that even makes sense. Either way, my head and heart have been heavy with feelings that I just don't want to feel anymore, with thoughts that I don't want to replay anymore. I finished my usual sandwich of choice [the great smoky pepper jack turkey panini] and decided to scan the RELEVANT website. This is the article that caught my eye.

The Heavy Yoke of Beauty

Before any assumptions are formed; no, I do not have an eating disorder, regardless of my popcicle stick figure. So don't worry. But lately I have been flooded with thoughts, feelings, doubts, fears, etc. surrounding the physical appearance of...me.

Where I am right now in life, in my faith learning, in my current maturity status, in the relational status...it's not all sunshine, plaid, and TOMS. It's hard! Every day I struggle with this thought, "why would I be attractive?" I have a Savior, I have the Spirit within me, I know. But does that account for anything in our culture? I see other people...tall...perfect smile...pieces of paper showing how accomplished they are. And I see me. No height. No perfect smile. No paper. And that daily thought begins to turn into, "why would she be attracted to me?" Being a pursuer of 23 years, it's hard not to think this way.

And I know there are those of you who will jump to encourage me, and I love you for that. But unfortunately the power of one negative comment outweighs the strength of ten positive ones. Folks who consistently point out the less than perfect traits I have. Negative. Reminding me of my relational status. I'm really not that slow. I'm pretty sure I know I don't have a significant other. Negative.

But back to this article. In some odd way, reading this public confession and knowing that thousands of eyes could and would see it, I felt a strange sense of strength in my struggles. And then 1 Peter 3:3-4 was laid out in front of me.

³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

So this is going to take some work. In keeping with this search for authenticity, I needed to confess that I'm struggling. I know that my physical appearance holds no value in the Kingdom of Heaven. But in the here and now, the outward beauty bank seems to be in whatever the opposite of a recession is.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for your unspoken encouragement.

With inward love,

---thomas

Draw Near

"Biblically speaking, no worship leader, pastor, band, or song will ever bring us close to God. We can't shout, dance, or prophesy our way into God's presence. Worship itself cannot lead us into God's presence. Only Jesus himself can bring us into God's presence, and he has done it through a single sacrifice that will never be repeated - only joyfully recounted and trusted in.

We need to remember that our access to God is not based on last week's performance, today's practices, or tomorrow's potential. Rather, we're accepted 'in the Beloved' (Ephesians 1:6) and need have no fear of rejection as we come before God's throne."

-Bob Kauflin, "Worship Matters"

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experiencing the Love

"When you've experienced the resurrected Jesus, the mystery hidden in the fabric of creation, you can't help but talk about him. You've tapped into the joy that fills the entire universe, and so naturally you want others to meet this God. This is a God worth telling people about.

This is the problem with some Gods - you don't know if they're good, so why tell others a story that isn't working for you?

Witnessing, evangelizing, sharing your faith - when you realize that God has retold your story, you are free to passionately, urgently, compellingly tell the story because you've stepped into a whole new life and you're moved and inspired to share it. When your God is love, and you have experienced this love in flesh and blood, here and now, then you are free from guilt and fear and the terrifying, haunting, ominous voice that whispers over your shoulder, 'You're not doing enough.' The voice that insists God is, in the end, a slave driver.

Have nothing to do with that God."

-Rob Bell, "Love Wins"

I stumbled through this section of Rob Bell's newest book (Love Wins) tonight and something about these words caught my heart off guard. Questions began to flood my mind, such as, "Thomas, have you really experienced the love that was embodied in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ? If so, why aren't you sharing more, or doing more, or experiencing more? You know God is good, yes? Really? You really do? Then why don't your thoughts reflect even a portion of that goodness?"

I don't doubt Jesus Christ's redeeming, saving, rescuing, sacrificial love, nor do I doubt God's goodness. But the desire for, for lack of a better phrase, a "God experience" is urgently knocking on my heart's door. And not just a personal encounter, but a corporate encounter. The desire to praise and petition with my brothers and sisters has practically overwhelmed me sitting here on the other side of this computer screen.

I pray against "busyness" for the sake of staying busy and against all distractions that tend to follow. I pray for a new, yet profoundly old experience and encounter of God the Father, personally and corporately. I pray against complacency and apathy because I do care and I am only worthy because You've breathed into my lungs. Abba Father; I belong to You.

in love and search for authenticity,

---thomas

Let It Rain

A good friend of mine shared these words with our congregation yesterday morning during the song, "Let It Rain" - in rap form. It was truly inspiring to hear these words flow out so punctually and authentically, as if my heart had grown lips and lungs and decided that it was going to spit out the words it has been praying for so long. But obviously these weren't my words, because they actually made sense. So...I just wanted to share these prayerful lyrics with you. Be blessed.

---thomas


"I wanna be like a tree but this world keeps on stopping me
Saying I cant be free cause I've got this sin in my life on top of me
And now I'm down to a knee, got dirt on my jeans, as I pray to my king
Let my roots run deep, all I wanna do is stand, I'm on two knees
Looking up to the sky don't know why I cannot stand tall
All I wanna do is praise his name, proclaim his name until I fall
I'm done with the things of this world, you know what, you can have it all
I think I'm ready to stand, I'm up, now LORD hear my call
And as I stood I looked up to the sky and the clouds were dark
It began to rain as I stood up to my feet ready to start
My sins washed off of me, the dirt's gone, I'm feeling lifted up
I can do what I dreamed but this time it's real, yes, I'm feeling up
This world ain't stopping me, Christ died on the cross, my chains are gone
I don't need what you've got for me, this time I'm changed, I'm moving on
My roots run deep in the ground, I'm not bound to a ditch I shine
Reflecting his light from above, LORD have this life of mine"
-Anthony Monteleone

Moving On

Today's devotional: January 5th, 2011
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"And when it was day, he departed and went into a desolate place. And the people sought him and came to him, and would have kept him from leaving them, but he said to them, 'I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns as well; for I was sent for this purpose.'" - Luke 4:42-43 ESV

"AS JESUS PREACHED in Judea's synagogues, the people were captivated because he taught "as one with authority," (Mark 1:22) like no one they had ever heard. He would preach to thousands, heal the sick, and engage the destitute. In fact, at one point, his renown had so grown that the people sought to make him king by force (John 6:15).

What did Jesus do with this seeming success; did he set up headquarters and signs, pass out flyers, and increase seating capacity? Did he remain with those who begged him to stay and enjoy the fame and their adoration? Absolutely not, Jesus was blameless even in his success and focused on his God-ordained purpose. Success is not merely defined by popularity or crowds, but by obedience. Find where you've remained too long in your achievements when you should have pressed on in pursuing the Father's purpose for your life, and then run after it."

(This devotion is adapted from shortdailydevotions.com and relevant.com.)
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God opened my ears to a message months ago; "Just because you have been here, walking through the same motions that yes, once was productive, does not mean that they continue to be relevant, productive, and just."

Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." In Deuteronomy, Moses is petitioning the Israelites to follow God's laws that have been laid before them. He speaks of how God will bring prosperity and riches to His holy people. "The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season..." (Deut. 28:12) In season.

It blows my mind sprockets that Christ was consistently, devoutly in tune with God's current season. He wasn't ministering in the past with old songs, worn out Christian-jargon, and those overhead projectors that I was never able to master. Christ was on the edge, the beginning of God's great plan. People found his teachings captivating and authoritative because he was breathing in the season of God.

My prayer is that we allow God to move us to the storehouse of his bounty where his season is reality and we fight, like Christ for our hearts to be focused on the God-ordained purpose for our lives.

With love,
---thomas

prayer: Abba Father

I wanted to share this reading with you. Take a few minutes to quiet yourself and your surroundings as Jonathan Helser sings this prayer over you. Open yourself and be blessed.

With love,
---thomas


"Herein lies the secret, I believe, of the inner life of Jesus. Christ's communion with Abba in the inner sanctuary of His soul transformed His vision of reality, enabling Him to perceive God's love and care behind the complexities of life. Practicing the presence helps us to discern the providence of God at work especially in those dark hours when the signature of Jesus is being traced in our flesh. (You may wish to try it right now. Lower the book, center down, and offer yourself to the indwelling God.)" - Brennan Manning

Relevance?

Why isn’t the church relevant?
Why does culture always seem to ooze relevance, but the church is inadequate in keeping up?

The church is in competition with culture; with the music, fashion, dialect, aesthetics, etc. The church competes while culture doesn’t compete with anything.

My question….why can’t church just be as culture just is?


---thomas