for now...I see in part

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

A main reason for me ever starting this blog was that I hoped that it would keep me accountable on some level with keeping with the theme: "...to be authentic". So here goes. I feel as if I'm stuck somewhere between these words of scripture. Somewhere between "When I was a child..." and "now I know in part..."

I feel very blessed to be able to confidently say that I know what God's calling over my life is, because I know plenty of people who willingly admit that they just don't know. But I'm very frustrated at the same time. I admit that I'm frustrated and I'm admitting that, to an extent, I feel a little lost. God has walked me down a path that has lead right into ministry with In August. From there, I've gone through a heart and eye transplant of sorts. I feel and see in ways I've never experienced; thus bringing about "the gathering". So it's like boom, boom, boom; God has been faithful in opening doors for me. I know it's all by His will because I don't deserve any of this and definitely can't do any of this on my own. But yet I still wrestle with some confusion.

"God, You've shown me my calling. You've given me a passion for my calling. Why can't I just step into that right now? Why can't things just happen like they've been happening? You know, boom, boom, boom?!"

On the way home from a friends house this evening, where we had some intense conversations about all kinds of things regarding our faiths, ours walks, our callings, and everything else around us, I just kept going back to the piece of scripture that said, "...now I know in part."

So this is where I'm at, at this very moment. I feel my childish reasoning has begun to fall away and a sense of growth has replaced it. And because of that growth, I feel I know more than just "in part". I feel I know the whole part, just as a teenager feels they know it all because of a little growth. But because I can't step into whatever stage comes after this current growth right this very second and begin operating in that season, I feel stuck.

For now..."I know in part". I don't know the intimate details of my calling yet because I'm not suppose to know. I'm still shedding my childish ways and am not ready....yet. And I desperately want to be at peace with that.

I saw a sign in front of a place of gathering earlier in the week that read, "change is inevitable...growth is optional." So God, I know change is coming, a new season is dawning. Open my eyes and heart that I may walk in the direction of Your growth.

With love,
---Thomas