Because the Great Luke Miller brought it to my attention that I have been a less than perfect public figure (enter sarcasm here), this post is dedicated to him.
November 1st, 2010...30 days left in my "year of purpose." Wow. I can't believe how fast this year has gone. Looking back to last December when I made this commitment and comparing where I was then to where I am now, a lot has changed; yet so much has stayed the same. For example, my desire to pursue hasn't changed, but my view on how to go about it has and what it is that God desires of my pursuit. No longer does the thought of "who shall I pursue next" consume my thoughts or dictate my actions. Praise God. My sense of fear hasn't changed; just what I'm fearful of. This might not make sense, and to be completely honest, it still doesn't make much sense to me, but I fear when this journey finally does comes to an end. Going into this year, I was scared of 1) making a commitment such as this and 2) not being able to fulfill it. Coming out of this year, I now have the fear of, what next? Let me try to explain a little more...(if you've already zoned out, no worries...yes I still love you and no you do not have to keep reading)...
Throughout this past year I've felt as if I've had something of a crutch to lean on when it came to the dating and pursuing deal. When someone would try to "introduce" me to a person of the opposite sex (with a hidden agenda, of course), I would have to say no because of my commitment. And I had a lot of well thought out, precisely scripted reasons, of course. But when this year comes to an end and I say "yes" or "no", it's just me. No vow to fall back on. Just me. Vulnerable.
And I think that's where the fear comes into play. My vulnerability. Just like a lot of people, maybe all of people (maybe none of people) I'm terrified of being hurt. I'm terrified of simply being in a place or moving to a place where that hurt can come at me more easily.
A very sweet friend shared with me some scripture that she was able to hold fast to in her time of "fasting boys"...
Psalms 73:25-26
"Whom have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
My flesh and heart will fail. I think that's just something I need to accept. Temptations will come, storms will cloud my view, and places of vulnerability and insecurity will surround me. But at the end of the day when I stand outside of these situations and circumstances, where is it that I have placed my heart? In these temptations, storms, and places? Or in "the strength of my heart", my God?
So with 30 days remaining, here's my prayer:
"God...take my heart..."
because "I need more now than fairy tales. God who lives in a book, I need someone real. So would You come?" - John Mark McMillan
"...and take my heart..."
With love,
---thomas
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