prayer: Abba Father

I wanted to share this reading with you. Take a few minutes to quiet yourself and your surroundings as Jonathan Helser sings this prayer over you. Open yourself and be blessed.

With love,
---thomas


"Herein lies the secret, I believe, of the inner life of Jesus. Christ's communion with Abba in the inner sanctuary of His soul transformed His vision of reality, enabling Him to perceive God's love and care behind the complexities of life. Practicing the presence helps us to discern the providence of God at work especially in those dark hours when the signature of Jesus is being traced in our flesh. (You may wish to try it right now. Lower the book, center down, and offer yourself to the indwelling God.)" - Brennan Manning

Relevance?

Why isn’t the church relevant?
Why does culture always seem to ooze relevance, but the church is inadequate in keeping up?

The church is in competition with culture; with the music, fashion, dialect, aesthetics, etc. The church competes while culture doesn’t compete with anything.

My question….why can’t church just be as culture just is?


---thomas

30 Days: Fear: Vulnerability: Luke Miller

Because the Great Luke Miller brought it to my attention that I have been a less than perfect public figure (enter sarcasm here), this post is dedicated to him.

November 1st, 2010...30 days left in my "year of purpose." Wow. I can't believe how fast this year has gone. Looking back to last December when I made this commitment and comparing where I was then to where I am now, a lot has changed; yet so much has stayed the same. For example, my desire to pursue hasn't changed, but my view on how to go about it has and what it is that God desires of my pursuit. No longer does the thought of "who shall I pursue next" consume my thoughts or dictate my actions. Praise God. My sense of fear hasn't changed; just what I'm fearful of. This might not make sense, and to be completely honest, it still doesn't make much sense to me, but I fear when this journey finally does comes to an end. Going into this year, I was scared of 1) making a commitment such as this and 2) not being able to fulfill it. Coming out of this year, I now have the fear of, what next? Let me try to explain a little more...(if you've already zoned out, no worries...yes I still love you and no you do not have to keep reading)...

Throughout this past year I've felt as if I've had something of a crutch to lean on when it came to the dating and pursuing deal. When someone would try to "introduce" me to a person of the opposite sex (with a hidden agenda, of course), I would have to say no because of my commitment. And I had a lot of well thought out, precisely scripted reasons, of course. But when this year comes to an end and I say "yes" or "no", it's just me. No vow to fall back on. Just me. Vulnerable.

And I think that's where the fear comes into play. My vulnerability. Just like a lot of people, maybe all of people (maybe none of people) I'm terrified of being hurt. I'm terrified of simply being in a place or moving to a place where that hurt can come at me more easily.

A very sweet friend shared with me some scripture that she was able to hold fast to in her time of "fasting boys"...

Psalms 73:25-26
"Whom have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

My flesh and heart will fail. I think that's just something I need to accept. Temptations will come, storms will cloud my view, and places of vulnerability and insecurity will surround me. But at the end of the day when I stand outside of these situations and circumstances, where is it that I have placed my heart? In these temptations, storms, and places? Or in "the strength of my heart", my God?

So with 30 days remaining, here's my prayer:

"God...take my heart..."
because "I need more now than fairy tales. God who lives in a book, I need someone real. So would You come?" - John Mark McMillan
"...and take my heart..."

With love,
---thomas

devo: Eyes on the Horizon

August 4th, 2010

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Eyes on the Horizon

By Pat Matuszak

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"Jesus replied, 'No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'"
Luke 9:62 TNIV

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IN DRIVER'S ED, if I focused on what I was trying to avoid, the car would inevitably veer toward it. Somehow my intention to avoid the thing I feared caused me to drift towards it. Our teacher would cue us to look ahead by saying “Eyes on the horizon.” He trained us to look out, farther than the problem area. Instead of concentrating on where we didn’t want to go, we zeroed in on where wanted to end up.

Sometimes what we are trying to avoid propels toward us like a magnet. Our intention not to do the wrong thing draws so much energy that we don’t have any left to invest in doing the right thing.

The parable of the farmer and the plow offers a similar truth. Jesus explained how the diligent farmer puts his hands on the plow and doesn’t look back. He marks a line ahead, keeping his eyes on it as he carves straight furrows through the fresh soil. If the farmer looks back or off to the side, he veers off course. Look ahead. Don’t look back. Focus on your destination, and lesser worries won’t sidetrack your efforts.

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This was my morning devotional for today. It was such an eye opener, an "ah-ha!" moment, if you will, that I felt it was worth mentioning and sharing.

If you've done some occasional reading in my blog over the past eight months, you've probably gotten a pretty good grasp on my "goal" for this year. If you haven't, go back and read. You'll pick up quickly, I promise.

So this devotional...it really opened my eyes and got the mind gears working. We (and when I say "we", I' mean "me") as Christians always start out our quests with such sweet intentions. Our beginnings are always good, or most of the time anyways. We set out with our backpacks on, packed full of great supplies, vitamin water in hand, with our eyes on the horizon (our goal/destination). But as we start walking, where do our eyes drift? I know mine never seem to stay on that horizon or even in the same general direction for that matter.

I've found myself asking God all of these questions lately. "Why did this happen? Why did they say that? Why did I do this? Is this part of your plan? Is this your fault?" Without even realizing it, I've taken my eyes off of my goal, my horizon, and have found them drifting from obstacle to obstacle. I have focused on what is directly in front of me so much that I haven't even realized that I am now heading west when my original direction was north. My ultimate goal was to grow in God and to have Him grow in me throughout this year of "no pursuing-no dating." But I've become so focused on NOT dating and NOT pursuing, that they have become my immediate goal, hindering me from remembering what I original set out to do.

"'God, may I decrease so that You may increase' because I need help keeping my eyes focused."

---thomas

learnings on: ANGER

Two nights ago, my mind wouldn't stop walking through the park of many thoughts. I tossed and turned for about two hours before finally giving up and deciding to blog about the thoughts that were keeping me up. The computer wasn't on so I grabbed my trusty Blackberry and began blogging. Forty minutes later, after I finished up, I clicked "save". Except at 2am "exit" looks a lot like "save" apparently. Needless to say, I lost everything. But I felt it was a good lesson that I'm learning so I want to throw this on here. So here we go.

Anger - a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.

I've never really considered myself an angry person. However, there was a time in my life where I harvested feelings of anger more than any other. I reached a place where I finally decided that I didn't want to feel this way, so by God's grace, things slowly started changing. I wasn't producing any more angry thoughts, but I was still doing an excellent job at storing the ones already alive in me. At a worship gathering a few months back I came to a place where I was tired of being angry, tired of carrying these feelings around, and tired of letting all of this dictate my actions. So before God, and everyone in the congregation, I fell to my knees, then to my face in surrender.

Since then I've learned a whole new kind of anger...the kind that comes from hurt. You see, most of my anger never sprouted because I was hurt, but more because of my situations and surroundings. Sure, I've experienced hurt, but normally feelings of depression came from it.

Some big decisions are being made and have been decided upon among some really good friends. They're friends that I care very much for and have shared a lot of good memories and experiences with. And as strong as I try to act, the reality that I've felt hurt in dealing with these decisions have really made things difficult. Not because they have purposefully tried to hurt me, but because there have been inconsistencies in communication So here's what I'm learning now. In Thomas' world, when hurt is felt, anger is produced as a means of dealing with that hurt. Why? Well, that's a good question and unfortunately I do not have the answer at this time.

I believe that a requirement in being authentic is the ability to own up to shortcomings, struggles and to admit when you just don't know. So here we go...

"Hi, my name is Thomas."

'Hi, Thomas!'

"I'm using anger as a way to deal with my hurting"

With love,

---Thomas

to choose....core values

It is now May. Month #5 in this pursuit of an authentic...everything. Month #5 in the pursuit of no pursuing/no dating. It's funny how the more I force myself to not "pursue" whatsoever, the more God pushes me to a place of seeing my own maturity. Well, more of my immaturity. Like I'm on the outside looking in. "Thomas, you're one of the most mature guys I've ever met, but it's like this; you're not mature enough for this relationship." A very close friend spoke these words to me in a very sincere, caring, authentic nature about a year and a half ago, right in the midst of a fairly "long-term" relationship. "Dude...screw you" was my response. Or maybe just my thought. I don't really remember anymore. But about two weeks ago I was sitting in a quiet place, studying some scripture, allowing God to sing through me and just being still for a few moments when I started thinking about me and dating. For the first time in my life, the thought of those two things, together, scared the living bageebus out of me. "Goodness, Will (the friend who said those things to me) was completely right." Being able to see myself from the outside in right now, has opened my eyes to a lot of things. And I know that if I don't see myself as mature enough now, there's absolutely no way that I was a year and a couple months ago.

The other big revelation, if it can be called that, that God has opened my eyes and soul to is the idea of choosing core values. I've grown up in the church, I accepted Christ at a very young age, was baptized early into high school, and have learned all the lessons about "talking the talk and walking the walk." I've heard the bible school teachers ramble on about doing this, not doing this, believing this, disowning that. But I realized that there was a lot of things I believe to be true and base a lot of myself off of those things, however Thomas Carrier never adopted any hardcore, no doubt, core values.

It was a youtube video of a lecture that Kim Walker-Smith gave to students at Bethel Church that got me thinking. One thing she talked about was honor. This idea of choosing honor first in everything I do, everything I say, and everything that I am. The idea that by choosing to honor the people or situations around me, and by being faithful with the favor that I have been given, God will pour out his grace and begin to expand those lines of favor. Luke 16:10 - "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."

And the second core value; transparency. To be transparent in everything that is Thomas. This came from a teaching I sat under at the Aletheia Church this past week. So often I see those mysterious kind of folks and I think to myself, "boy, they are so cool! If only I could be that mysterious, maybe I would seem that cool." But my heart and goal for this time is not to be "cool". It's to be authentic. And being authentic does not include closing myself off, only revealing certain things about me because that would be fake in a very pure form. I need to be, I desire to be transparent. I desire to allow God to move right through me. I desire for people to see right through me. Transparent.

So my two new core values moving forward...
#1...to choose honor
#2...to be transparent

With love,
---Thomas

the (single) life

I'm almost three whole months into my one year of "no dating, no pursuing" and I just realized that I have yet to write anything about this journey. Let me start off by saying, goodness gracious. This is, hands down, one of the more difficult things I've done in my 22 years on planet earth. However, in the same breath I want to say how much I've learned and grown from this three month experience already. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing where I'm sitting in another nine months. God's got it all under control.

About a month and a half ago I was enjoying some Chinese take out with two friends when I received this message in my fortune cookie: "romance will come your way soon." Now, I don't put a lot of stock into what my fortune cookie says, but it did seem of some importance to me, for whatever reason. So I kept it and put it into my wallet with all of my other random things I pick up. As worthless as that little piece of paper is, it has been right thus far. A new romance has come into my life; my Bridgegroom has appeared in a new way and am excited to be able to devout an entire year to solely Him.

Anyways, I came across this article in Relevant Magazine that I wanted to pass along to whom ever might need to read it. There's some good thoughts about the single and dating life as well as a good prayer that I, myself needs to start praying..."instead of praying that God will bring you the right person, pray that He makes you the right person."

Just like I told a good friend last night, I knew that as soon as I made this decision to partake in this one year journey, every attractive girl would come running from all corners of the globe. I'm ok with that. What good is learning if you never get to put it into practice and be tested on what you learned? So here we go. Three months down. Nine to go.

With love,
---Thomas

for now...I see in part

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." - 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

A main reason for me ever starting this blog was that I hoped that it would keep me accountable on some level with keeping with the theme: "...to be authentic". So here goes. I feel as if I'm stuck somewhere between these words of scripture. Somewhere between "When I was a child..." and "now I know in part..."

I feel very blessed to be able to confidently say that I know what God's calling over my life is, because I know plenty of people who willingly admit that they just don't know. But I'm very frustrated at the same time. I admit that I'm frustrated and I'm admitting that, to an extent, I feel a little lost. God has walked me down a path that has lead right into ministry with In August. From there, I've gone through a heart and eye transplant of sorts. I feel and see in ways I've never experienced; thus bringing about "the gathering". So it's like boom, boom, boom; God has been faithful in opening doors for me. I know it's all by His will because I don't deserve any of this and definitely can't do any of this on my own. But yet I still wrestle with some confusion.

"God, You've shown me my calling. You've given me a passion for my calling. Why can't I just step into that right now? Why can't things just happen like they've been happening? You know, boom, boom, boom?!"

On the way home from a friends house this evening, where we had some intense conversations about all kinds of things regarding our faiths, ours walks, our callings, and everything else around us, I just kept going back to the piece of scripture that said, "...now I know in part."

So this is where I'm at, at this very moment. I feel my childish reasoning has begun to fall away and a sense of growth has replaced it. And because of that growth, I feel I know more than just "in part". I feel I know the whole part, just as a teenager feels they know it all because of a little growth. But because I can't step into whatever stage comes after this current growth right this very second and begin operating in that season, I feel stuck.

For now..."I know in part". I don't know the intimate details of my calling yet because I'm not suppose to know. I'm still shedding my childish ways and am not ready....yet. And I desperately want to be at peace with that.

I saw a sign in front of a place of gathering earlier in the week that read, "change is inevitable...growth is optional." So God, I know change is coming, a new season is dawning. Open my eyes and heart that I may walk in the direction of Your growth.

With love,
---Thomas

Kingdom of God

Being apart of the ministry that is "the gathering" has been such an incredible experience, and we're only 1 gathering in! The things that God has opened my eyes to and the relationships I've been able to form has been such a blessing. A week ago, during our last snow storm in the valley, I met with two incredible guys who are both sold out for the cause that Christ has called them to. All of Harrisonburg is slowly shutting down on account of the snow, and here we are waltzing into Mcalister's like nothings going on. We sat. We ate. We spoke. We shared. We felt. We loved. And my heart smiled. For the first time in a very long time, I felt a peace filled with such a happiness. I can't even describe it. As we did all these things, I was happy. I, was truly happy. I had encountered the Kingdom of God.

"Christ tells us through scripture that the "kingdom" is not something we must wait on death for. Rather we can begin living in a new and better way now; a way of life that Jesus referred to as the “Kingdom of God.” A life of love as an interactive community, connected through Christ Jesus."

These were some of the words that were spoken to me by one of these men I was talking about.

This new found reality of the Kingdom of God has warped so many of my views on so many different topics. Views, that I've realized, aren't even my views. They're other people's views. My parents, family, friends, teachers, etc. I've just picked them up, thrown them on my back, and carried them as my own through life.

But during that time of fellowship, of community, I was happy. Because I was experiencing, enjoying, and operating in the Kingdom of God. I was loving. I was seeking. I was building the Kingdom of Heaven.

I want to invite you, on as much of a personal note as I can be through this blog, to the next gathering. Come gather, come seek, come love, as we seek out and experience community in it's purest form and learn more about this "Kingdom of God."

With love,
---Thomas

First Gathering: Confession

It's 12am. I should be working on tomorrow morning's song list and powerpoint, unpacking random gear from this evening's gathering, or more importantly, sleeping. But having a full stomach filled with applebee's goodness and a re-filled soul from tonight's festivities, I just can't do anything but think. So it's blogging time. Perfect.

Tonight was the kickoff to The Gathering, the latest ministry that God's blessed me with being apart of. The Gathering has been in the works for years now, even though I wasn't aware of it. The title of my blog summarizes the heart of The Gathering so perfectly; ...to be authentic. Tonight was a very sweet tasting, genuine, authentic time of fellowship, prayer, and intimacy with the Holy Spirit. Exactly what the vision in my heart has been longing for and seeking.

The topic; confession. And before I go any further, let me confess to my micro-managing problem. This morning I woke up with a pretty intense headache. From there came the nausea. And from there...well, you can take it from here. My first thought while lying in my bed, face into the pillow, not even able to blink my eyes from the painful throbbing, "I'll have to cancel The Gathering. I have too much to setup, too much to finish getting together, too much, too much..." My next thought, "well Thomas, if you would quit micro-managing, you wouldn't be in this predicament, now would you?" Yes, I do argue with myself quite a bit. Don't judge me. From the depths of my pillow came my first confession of the day. When I was finally able to actually focus on my phone and somewhat think, I swallowed my pride and asked for help. Here's another confession; I've been blessed with amazing people, who are capable of amazing things. I recruited help to finish setting up the aesthetics part of the evening. As I'm worrying whether I'll be able to make it at all, I realize that I don't feel anything. No headache. No nausea. Nothing. The second I confessed my shortcomings and laid down my pride (not necessarily in that order), is the second I felt better. Do I believe in healing? Absolutely. Do I believe I was healed? Absolutely. Not only from my physical ailments, but from my spiritual and emotional ones as well. But all because of a simple confession?

Confession is a powerful act. It's also an act that we don't practice, as Christians, enough. Like we talked about tonight, the church (us) would be in such a different state of being if we truly trusted our brothers and sisters and confessed and confided in one another. Because confession isn't just for our benefit, our gain, or our pleasure. I believe there's a larger picture to see. There's a spirit of humbleness that fills the space when we confess. We are all of a sudden on a different playing field. Instead of the stages we stand on, pulpits we stand behind, or pedestals that we live on, we're all of a sudden on the same hard, dirty ground. We are all the same. We become one. And in this we are able to lift our praises as one voice, breathe in the environment as one body, and operate in one mind.

My prayer moving forth into this year of 2010 is that we (the gatherers) continue to practice the lost, ancient art of confession. Not just when we gather, but in every day life. And I pray that in doing so, we are humbled so that we "may be active in sharing [our] faith, so that [we] will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ." - Philemon 1:6.

With love,
---Thomas