Word of Forgiveness

Hey dad,
Do you remember all the ways you taught me sad and how to get mad?
The important times to me that obviously meant less to you?
Do you remember the little boy that just wanted to do everything as long as it involved you?

Hey dad,
Do you remember all the events that you missed?
Probably not because you were too drunk and too busy taking hits.
But that never mattered to me because all I longed for was to feel as if I was in your heart's grip.

Hey dad,
Do you remember teaching me how to be a man?
Yeah me neither; it would have been easier if you just took time to stand.
Oh and the way you taught me to provide?
By smoking away our home, forcing me to sleep in my car at night?
At sixteen I had to work full time; why?
Just to be homeless, teaching me how to cry?
All I wanted was for you to celebrate me during graduation time.
But you chose the selfish path, tried to overdose, making me fight the joy in thinking you were gone at last.
Hey dad, this is me saying that's all in the past.

Because I have the one true Father, ah He is full of love and has taught me honor.
He has deemed me good and called me chosen.
In the intricacies of my heart He has woven,
Forgiveness, grace, and mercy.
All included in the love that He has shown me.

So dad,
As this last angry tear falls to the ground
I am releasing this resentment, this song of hatred has been playing too loud.

I love you.
I will pray daily for you.
I forgive you.

fear [confession of]

A year or two ago I attended a youth rally where the theme was modeled after a TV show called, "If You Really Knew Me..."  The idea of this show might be one of MTV's greatest accomplishments in my opinion [psh, since this is MY blog, let's just go ahead and accept that as fact].  MTV brought God into their regularly scheduled programming and didn't even know it.  Well maybe they did, but I highly doubt it considering the other "entertainment" on the network.  


In a nutshell this TV show brought together these high school classes, put them through various small group/large group activities and exercises that encouraged openness, vulnerability, and confession.  At the end of the day the students would begin a confession statement with, "If you really knew me..." and then would proceed to allow the honesty to fill the room.  It was amazing.


God is all about confession.  Don't believe me?  READ YOUR BIBLE!  At the.gathering we spent a lot of time praying through and teaching on confession.  Little did we know that every gathering from that point forward would all go back to this lost art known as confession.  Why?  Because that's what leads to repentance.  Why is that so important?  Because through repentance comes salvation (Romans 10:9).  Jesus taught us, not only with words, but with his life that without repentance there is no reconciliation.  In order for us to be right with God and be cleansed of our junk, we must confess (1 John 1:9).


And here is the meat and purpose of this blog...


I need to confess that...I didn't get it.  And I haven't gotten it until about two or three days ago.


You see, I have this deep rooted fear of being chosen over.  I have heard the "Thomas, you aren't worth it" lie so much that it became a core belief of mine.  I can't say that anyone has ever physically spoken those words to my face, but it doesn't even matter because that is what their actions were telling me, because that's what the enemy wanted me to believe.  Whether it was a relationship, a friendship, a situation, a circumstance, I have always felt chosen over. A girl choosing a guy over me.  A parent choosing a lifestyle over me.  A friend choosing a situation over me.  Whatever and whenever Satan has been able to illustrate that lie to me, he has.  


But here is the kicker.  This past Sunday God personally and profoundly got up in my business, pulled my self-pity hands from my face, looked me square in the eyes, and laid down some truth.  He said, "Do you even realize that you have been doing to me what you are terrified of others doing to you, your whole life?" 


Truth.  I have bought into the fear of being chosen over so deeply that it has been a platform for my every day actions.  So instead of just being scared, I have subconsciously taken the upper hand and decided to choose stuff (Exodus 20:3) over God (relationships, titles, situations, material possessions, etc).  Why?  I guess because I thought that if I do the choosing, He can't?  I don't honestly know.


So here is my question and challenge to you...


What are you scared of?
Seriously.
Think about it.  Dig deep.
What do you fear?


Now, how has that lie (fear is a lie because in 1 John it says that God is love and that there is no fear in love) that you have bought into infected not only your physical, emotional, and spiritual actions to others and to God?


Why does the girl break up with the boy?  Nine times out of ten, because she's scared of being broken up with/hurt first.


So if you really knew me...you would know that I am scared that you're going to choose something/someone over me.  My confession...I have chosen idol after idol over God because I have bought into the lie of my fear and given it life.  His promise...I am good, a new creation in Christ Jesus because of my repentance and faith, and I am royalty.


Believe the truth.
Not the lie.

sCeHaAsNoGnEs

Last week I had the great privilege of sitting down to a Jimmy John's lunch with a good friend and chatted for a solid 60 minutes about God...girls...and what else?  Oh yes, of course.  Guitars.  You know, all of the important things in a man's life.  In the conversation the theology of change was briefly thrown around.  Not because we claim to be theologists; that's just one of those words I like to throw around because it makes me feel smart...and cool.  Like Rob Bell, only without the glasses.

A lot of change has happened and continues to happen in every area of my heart, of me, of Thomas.  And before I go any further, I want you to be fully aware that I am not claiming to know the reasoning or the inner workings of God's changing seasons.  The truth that I am holding fast to, however is the fact that everything that lives, changes.

If we look around right now.  Go ahead, do it.  (I promise I'm not hiding behind that chair behind you.  Or am I...?)  Now take note of everything, if anything, that is living.  Has that living thing stayed the same?  Let me rephrase that.  Say you have been around this living thing for 50 days.  Is that living item the same on day 50 as it was on day 1?  Unless you're standing next to Captain America I can pretty well guarantee that it has in some fashion undergone a season(s) of change.  Everything does!  There is not one living item/creature that does not change in some capacity.  Within life, if there is no change, there is death.  Paul warns us about that all throughout his various writings within the New Testament, but that is another teaching for another time.


Recently, after close to a year of ignoring convictions, countless meetings with pastors and trusted mentors, and lots of sleepless nights full of prayer, I decided that it was time that I recognized a season change.  I was apart of leading a ministry with three other men where we talked a lot about change, we taught on it, we experienced, we lived it.  And I will be the first to admit that I am excellent at giving advice, but utterly horrible and receiving it (even when it's my own advice).  So after 12 years of music ministry service within the same congregation, I recognized that a new season had come and that I needed to flow before I caused more harm than good.  


And something I learned early into this new season change is that within growth there is ALWAYS sacrifice.  If you are not sacrificing something, you are not growing, hate to tell you.  And if you are 100% full, don't be shocked when you cannot take on that extra 20% of whatever you have your eyes on, because it just will not happen.  Try giving up 20% before you can receive 20%.

So that is where I am; smack dab in the middle of a monumental season change.  [Ah ha!  Did you catch the title?!  Did it confuse you?!  "seasons CHANGE")  I purposefully haven't gone into great detail about anything within this blog.  What I wanted to accomplish more than anything from this post is just to tell you that I am sorry for the feelings and egos that have been hurt in the process of this changing season.  I apologize for the poor communication on behalf of anyone and everyone involved.  I know there are hurt feelings out there because I have been experiencing them.  Every day.  For the past month.  So please, if you have any questions or want to express anything, please feel free to do so.

I love you all for the thoughts and the prayers for me during this time.  I may not know your exact words, your exact thoughts, or your exact actions, but I thank you nonetheless.  And I thank you for your eyeballs, because after all, this blog would be pretty difficult to read without them...

with love,
---thomas

Housing Subdivisions & Christian Tattoos

Last night I posted a quote from a Relevant Magazine article (about Tattoos & Christians) to my facebook. Shortly after I posted a link to the entire article. Since then, my facebook, email, and phone have been blowing up with responses of all different kinds. So after a day of praying, thinking, and more praying, here is my simple, short, yet heartfelt response...

If we were honest about the definition of "church" that we (and many generations before us) have defined, I believe it would read "family oriented, career holding, financially independent, tongue holding people." Do we say this? Never. But do we act it? More than we would like to admit. Because if this was not the case then I believe congregations wouldn't look so much like housing subdivisions. The only difference in our appearances is the color of our shutters. If this wasn't our definition, the "generation gap" wouldn't exist and poverty acceptance wouldn't dictate our relationships. The younger hearts of the church wouldn't feel like they were fighting to be accepted as legitimate members of the active body of Christ. And the more experienced hearts wouldn't be so scared in giving up space and time.

No where am I saying, "yes, me, Thomas, I am right!" I will openly admit that I just don't know. A lot. Often. But more than anything I hope we have been able to recognize the corners of our comfort zones during these words and acknowledge that the tension that lies in these sort of subjects also lie on the opposite side of our fences. I am sorry if I offended anyone, but if any of these words have even pushed you out of your comfort chair, then well... Amen.

with love,

---thomas

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