fear [confession of]

A year or two ago I attended a youth rally where the theme was modeled after a TV show called, "If You Really Knew Me..."  The idea of this show might be one of MTV's greatest accomplishments in my opinion [psh, since this is MY blog, let's just go ahead and accept that as fact].  MTV brought God into their regularly scheduled programming and didn't even know it.  Well maybe they did, but I highly doubt it considering the other "entertainment" on the network.  


In a nutshell this TV show brought together these high school classes, put them through various small group/large group activities and exercises that encouraged openness, vulnerability, and confession.  At the end of the day the students would begin a confession statement with, "If you really knew me..." and then would proceed to allow the honesty to fill the room.  It was amazing.


God is all about confession.  Don't believe me?  READ YOUR BIBLE!  At the.gathering we spent a lot of time praying through and teaching on confession.  Little did we know that every gathering from that point forward would all go back to this lost art known as confession.  Why?  Because that's what leads to repentance.  Why is that so important?  Because through repentance comes salvation (Romans 10:9).  Jesus taught us, not only with words, but with his life that without repentance there is no reconciliation.  In order for us to be right with God and be cleansed of our junk, we must confess (1 John 1:9).


And here is the meat and purpose of this blog...


I need to confess that...I didn't get it.  And I haven't gotten it until about two or three days ago.


You see, I have this deep rooted fear of being chosen over.  I have heard the "Thomas, you aren't worth it" lie so much that it became a core belief of mine.  I can't say that anyone has ever physically spoken those words to my face, but it doesn't even matter because that is what their actions were telling me, because that's what the enemy wanted me to believe.  Whether it was a relationship, a friendship, a situation, a circumstance, I have always felt chosen over. A girl choosing a guy over me.  A parent choosing a lifestyle over me.  A friend choosing a situation over me.  Whatever and whenever Satan has been able to illustrate that lie to me, he has.  


But here is the kicker.  This past Sunday God personally and profoundly got up in my business, pulled my self-pity hands from my face, looked me square in the eyes, and laid down some truth.  He said, "Do you even realize that you have been doing to me what you are terrified of others doing to you, your whole life?" 


Truth.  I have bought into the fear of being chosen over so deeply that it has been a platform for my every day actions.  So instead of just being scared, I have subconsciously taken the upper hand and decided to choose stuff (Exodus 20:3) over God (relationships, titles, situations, material possessions, etc).  Why?  I guess because I thought that if I do the choosing, He can't?  I don't honestly know.


So here is my question and challenge to you...


What are you scared of?
Seriously.
Think about it.  Dig deep.
What do you fear?


Now, how has that lie (fear is a lie because in 1 John it says that God is love and that there is no fear in love) that you have bought into infected not only your physical, emotional, and spiritual actions to others and to God?


Why does the girl break up with the boy?  Nine times out of ten, because she's scared of being broken up with/hurt first.


So if you really knew me...you would know that I am scared that you're going to choose something/someone over me.  My confession...I have chosen idol after idol over God because I have bought into the lie of my fear and given it life.  His promise...I am good, a new creation in Christ Jesus because of my repentance and faith, and I am royalty.


Believe the truth.
Not the lie.